The day our world changed...

I still remember that day, I remember the words, and I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach that brought me to my knees..

"I have the results of your amnio, and indeed your baby has down syndrome.  Do you have any questions?......Have a nice weekend."

With the click of the phone back on it's cradle, I fell to the floor.  With those words, delivered so coldly, our world had been rocked, and as much as we had prepared ourselves for the possibility that this was the answer that we were going to get, the wind was knocked out my sail.  Bryan was a work preparing for a month long training session in California and I was home alone with Rory.  Alone.  How was I going to tell Bryan this?  How was he going to understand one word that I was trying to get out?  I had to do it, I couldn't be alone in knowing this about our baby.  I collected myself, got up off the floor, and grabbed the phone and dialed.

The only words I got out were "The genetic counselor just called..." and then the tears started and I couldn't saying anything else.  I remember hearing Bryan say "It's all going to be OK, this baby is ours and we are going to love it, and that's all that matters."  With those words, I wasn't alone anymore.

Brendan was meant for us, for our family.  I have never had doubt about that, and I know he was given to us for a reason and that everything was going to be OK.  I had prayed a few months before when I was having complications early on in the pregnancy that this baby not be taken from us, I couldn't go through losing another baby.  Once we got through the critical first 12 weeks of the pregnancy, and we heard the baby's heart beat in the midwife's office, I knew that this baby was ours for a special reason.

That was how our journey into the Down Syndrome family began, and what a journey it has been, and continues to be.

An Update from Iraq

Well, it's not like Bryan was actually going to make a blog entry, but here are some pictures that he sent..

Bryan in front of his office...a former Saddam palace

 

Entrance 

A death defying feat

I did it.  I conquered the fear that had building inside of me since the day I found out that Bryan was deploying again.  That fear......going out with 3 kids and just me.  Now, that seems rather odd, right?  Even when Bryan was home I was still the primary caregiver, which meant that I had to get 3 kids in and out of the car, and in out of this place and that, and I did it, no fanfare no nothing, no huge fear.  Now, I have 3 rather mobile kids, not 1 walking kid, one who will engage and sit in the stroller and the other who is strapped into his car seat and carted around without it being a big deal.

Friday I decided was going to be the day that I did a fun outing with the kids all by myself.  Rory had a half day at school, so we picked her up at 12:20 on the dot.  I should mention here that this pick up time falls smack in the middle of the boys normal napping time, so now you're thinking that I am insane and setting myself up for failure.  I thought so too, but on we went!!  Sure enough, 5 minutes after picking Rory up, Brendan and Jack were sound asleep in the back, Rory and I were chatting about her school day (which already consists of "I don't remember what I did at school" or "We did BORING Kindergarten work").  Off we were on our surprise adventure...and when we arrived, we had 3 awake and very happy kids!  Here we go!

Our surprise destination was.....

All the kids LOVE this place, and Rory has been asking to go for quite a long time, so why not!  Wonderscope is a fabulous childrens museum with lots to do, and in a not so huge space, perfect for my attempted outing!  Another bonus was that this museum participated in the Blue Star Museum Project which allowed us free admission to the museum because we are a military family...you can't beat free!!!

We were off, into all of the different rooms, and everyone was having a grand time, from the golf ball race track room, to the Space room, the other ball race track room, the submarine area and the farm room...

After 2 hours of non-stop fun and minimal breakdowns, it was on to part 2 of this monumental day....dinner at a restaurant!!  Now this is where the sweaty palms started..

We piled back in the car, and went down the road to a place I knew would be a hit with the kids...Fritz's!

No way I could go wrong with a place that is all about trains and even has your food brought out to you by one!!  And really, aren't the hats worth the trip alone?

 

The boys had hats too, but they were far more interested in eating, not posing...oh well!

All in all, it was a great day, and I did it all with the best kids in the world, with the support of my wonderful husband from afar, and just one diaper in the diaper bag!!  Maybe I should consider being WonderWoman for Halloween???

Some Divine Intervention

Well, it finally happened, the third time really is the charm!  We made it through a whole mass!!  There were a few hairy moments, but I had 2 saving graces...one was the family sitting directly behind us who had a little girl who was rather high spirited and drowned out any outburst from our pew.  Also, Rory's swim lesson instructor sat in front of us and asked me "which baby would you like me to hold?"  Yeah!!!  Now, we have something to build on for next week....fingers crossed!

Dear God, are you there? Sorry about this morning!

Well, we attempted Church this morning.  As you can tell from the title of this post, it wasn't the best experience.  I will start by saying that I had very realistic expectations of how this was going to go, and I was prepared.  The boys have their own church bags now, and I had them stocked with things to keep them happy,  including books, a sippy cup, a snack and the binky.  Rory doesn't get to bring her church bag anymore since she will be going to Kindergarten at a Catholic school and they have mass once a week, so we have been working on getting her ready to sit thru mass like a big kid. 

We made it through the readings and the homily, and then the wheels came off!  Jack was channeling his inner Uncle Biz (my brother Christopher) and was attempting to climb under the pew, and then when that didn't work, he tried going over the top.  Yeah, that was enough for me, so we grabbed the bags and out we went.  Better luck next week!

We did end the morning on a very high note, as we got to Skype with Bryan.  I put the monitor on the floor so they could all see Daddy, and they could see him.  Jack has been the one who has missed Daddy alot, so being able to see him made him so happy!  At one point he walked behind the monitor to see where the rest of Daddy was, we all got a good laugh out of that one! 

We had nothing but smiles and laughs in this house, and I know it did Bryan a lot of good too!  He saw Brendan walking, had a nice chat with Rory about how excited she is for school, and Jack just kept getting up close to the monitor and saying, "Da Da".

Here's to a nice rest of the day and we'll top it off with a Brand new Dora movie on TV tonight.  Ah, the joys of being a mom, I wouldn't change it for the world!

Start the clock on the next 365

Well, Deployment Day arrived and no one in this house was happy about it.  I admit that in the 2 weeks leading up to August 10 I would look at Bryan and start crying...I'm such a wuss!  It kills me to think of him gone for a year, we've been through it before and let me tell you it never gets easier.  I am convinced that it just gets harder and harder to say goodbye. 

The morning he left our neighbor Molly and her son Ben came over to hang out with the kids so I could take Bryan to the airport.  We had planned to be in the garage by the time they came over, so all the goodbyes would be done, no more tears.  Well, that didn't work, go figure!  Molly and Ben came over, and I looked at Molly and we both started crying...goodbyes suck.  For me the worst part of the goodbyes is watching Bryan say goodbye to the kids.  I had to wait in the garage because that just breaks my heart to hear him say "Bye buddy, I'm really going to miss you" and to have the boys just look at him with their big blue eyes...

Now the clock starts to get this year over....

Taking things down and packing things up

A lot of things have been happening in the Kilbride household this summer...We took our first family vacation, Brendan is making great strides in becoming a walker, the boys moved into Big Boy beds, Rory went to Kindergarten camp to get ready for her first day of Big Kid school and Bryan started the task of packing up his gear for yet another tour to the sandbox.

Taking the boys cribs down was a bittersweet moment.  It was so exciting to have them graduate of the baby cribs and move into big boy beds, but as we looked at the dismantled crib it was an incredible reminder of how quickly time passes.  I remember Bryan putting the crib together in Rory's room in Colorado, I remember putting her in it for the first time.  I remember taking it apart for the move to Texas, and then having a fit when all of the screws were not with it when it got to Texas!!!  I remember taking it apart and putting it in the attic of our Texas house when Rory moved into her big girl bed, and I remember taking it out again and assembling it for Brendan's arrival.  I remember putting Brendan in it for the first time, and how special that was because we didn't think he would ever make it into that crib.  I remember when we added a crib to the room, officially making it "The boys room". I remember moving them from Texas to Kansas, and then again in Kansas.  I remember walking into Brendan's room to get him from a nap and seeing him standing there in his crib for the first time.  I remember every morning walking in to get them and seeing the smiles on both of their faces, so happy to see each other again!

Now, there they were....

...and all I can think about it how incredibly fast 5 years has gone by.

Now, looking at this...

...all I can think about is, how fast is this deployment going to go by?

No, this is not our first deployment, yes his last deployment wasn't that long, but it was by far more stressful than any other deployment.  This one just needs to get started.  We are both dreading it, far more than any other one.  The last one we both knew that he needed to go, Brendan was home and doing well, Bryan needed to go and be with his troops.  There had been casualties of his own men and of his friends, and Iraq is where is head was and now the rest of him had to be there. 

This time is just different, we have 3 kids now (just in case you didn't know that!) and for the first time Bryan was home for the first 18 months of one of kids lives, and now he knows what he missed and he knows some of what he is going to miss, and still more of what is going to go on without him physically being here for it.  Yes, this happens all the time with military families, I am not whining or complaining about it, we just need to get day 1 of this thing under our belts so we can all get to our new "normal" for the next year.

All I ask is that you keep Bryan, and all military personnel and their families in your thoughts and prayers....